Today’s gonna be the day you notice..

…Cause I’m tired of explaining what the joke is

From time to time I ask myself whether that suicide attempt was the finalization of my life path. That is, did I really decide that the path was over and I no longer want to follow it? And now, facing a situation where I have a certain stress again in my life, I ask myself – do I have the strength to continue to go beyond myself and strive for something? Do I really need it and do I want it?

No matter how it sounds to someone – I would like that attempt to be successful and I would not have to sit and think about it now. Because always, when the question arose “what if there are some circumstances that will not allow you to live as before?” – and you always said to yourself “you can always shorten your life”. That is, my action is just the realization of my vision of life and how it can end.

Is it possible to protect yourself from a second attempt at all, or is it just a matter of time? And if so, what’s the point of studying something, moving somewhere, changing something in life, if the end result will be the same?

Literally every day someone turns to me for help with various issues, but none of them asked if I needed help myself? Moral, physical, or psychological?

I am a person who should no longer exist, and all that interests others is whether I can fix their laptop, phone, plow the garden, move the antenna, lend money. And here we come to the thought – that you are the very reason why I don’t want to live. Because I’m tired of repairing other people’s worlds.

I asked myself, every time I moved away from somewhere, why I was doing this – and found one single answer. Because I didn’t get what I needed there. Because it was just another way to contact me and ask me for something.

Which is easier – to learn the language and move or to swallow pills? – to swallow pills.
Which is easier – to stay, so as not to overexert yourself for learning the language and moving, and to continue to help everyone and everything or to swallow pills? – to swallow pills.

This world never gave me a choice, thereby leading to an option that I did not like, but which I had to go to, because otherwise it was impossible. Therefore, starting my opinion from the fact that I am afraid to start learning the language, because I am not sure that I will cope with it and want to abandon this idea – I came to the conclusion that the other option was voiced above. Either-or…