I’m still surprised…
Saint Creature To my musical tastes. When you don’t like something today, and tomorrow you listen to it to the end…that’s what happened with this piece. Read More
Saint Creature
How do scary people live?
That’s a question not for anyone, but primarily for myself. Because I don’t know how scary, but at the same time tactile, people live?
Today I had a dream where I was sitting on a bench, with some person next to me. From the feelings of my younger years. And here is the feeling that throughout the dream you are trying to gain trust, to become closer. And as if something works out, and as if something doesn’t. And “scary” is not even about appearance, but about general energy. That is, you know, like when you see a person who wants to show something fanatically and you start to be scared not so much by what they say, but by the expression with which it happens. To put it simply – from a certain stage and to a certain extent, your attempts to make friends with someone become not “oh…hello, let’s be friends!”, but have, to some extent, signs of madness, because of which you repel people more than you attract them. Probably, that is why they say – stop wanting something, and you will get it.
In your head, people-people-people, from each of whom you know what you would get in communication if you “..still communicated”. Like a collection of Pokemon in your pocket. But it mostly resembles a cemetery where you walk past graves, clean them, bring flowers. To those who died for you while you were alive. Therefore, the body resorts to tricks and sends you people whom you cannot bury simply because they are in your head, not in your heart.
Yesterday I remembered the words of a neighbour who lost his wife some time ago. And he once mentioned to me that “..he should find a young woman”. That neighbour is not serious in any way, so I asked myself – what is it about him that would make him find a “young woman”. The question is not even “young” or “old”. Purely technically, even at my age, it is very difficult to find an interesting and like-minded interlocutor, and not someone more. Because every person has a lot of “sharp needles”. Which only become more with age. Because we begin to “know what we need”, not realizing that by doing so we come to the conclusion that we don’t need anything. Plus, having a certain experience and knowledge, fewer and fewer interesting people come across thoughts or things that you don’t know yet or haven’t yet reached. Therefore, “finding yourself” is becoming more and more difficult…
All sorts of nonsense
The last few days my head has been filled with all sorts of nonsense, like assembling a battery for an electric bike or making a box that will cover the heating pipes near the boiler. Actually, these are useful things, but somehow they feel “not right”. It seems like I have to constantly post something somewhere, like that model whose earnings depend on it.
It’s sad that I’m not doing anything to get better conditions at my future place of work, on the other hand, today I thought that if we talk about a “family business”, it’s either trade (from my mother) or repairs of something (from my father). That is, purely technically, you (most likely) will work in either the first or the second direction. And I think that “somewhere out there” I would be in demand, provided that I knew the language and took at least some minimal courses. Time will tell. I still believe that it’s better to learn a language in other country, than to try now and make a bunch of mistakes. But here too, time will tell how it was better.
And I haven’t learned to “switch off” when I need to. That is, when I don’t need to “do something,” but to switch off and do nothing. Even if it’s playing games, or crafting something, I just want to forget about the “importance of the world around me” and immerse myself in myself. Do what I want, not what I have to.
Summer is a difficult time, from all sides. On the one hand, there is always not enough money, on the other hand, there is a feeling that you are constantly running out of time somewhere. Plus, it gets dark quite late for creativity. On the other hand… I would like there to be more warm days, and I could go somewhere in the forest with a tent for the whole day, as planned. A kind of mini-trip. And when the weather is good and the second battery is ready, I will test them by going to the nearest settlement. It is not far from here, about 25 kilometres. The battery should be enough for the trip there and back. But this is in theory, in practice who knows how it will be. However, it would be a very interesting trip precisely because of the reality that you can get there by bicycle with the cost of the road being a penny.
Whatever it was, this year should be the most productive in terms of the number of things done. And I hope that before leaving I will be able to put the house in order and go with a calm soul, at least, to earn money, and there we will see what and how. I don’t want to guess anything. I would just like to live a different life for a little while. Without war and news….
Too many places
I have too many places to be on – two “big” blogs that I have to write articles for. Two small blogs, one of which I’m currently writing this entry for. Deviant for photos and creativity. Rarely Flickr for photos. 500px for photos and stocks. Rarely YouTube for videos. Posts are automatically duplicated on Bluesky and Tumblr. That’s not even counting participation in competitions on Pulse. And Patreon. But it’s free, so I only do it occasionally 🙂
There’s also Threads, where reposts are made (when it works). I hardly do Instagram, and I’ve deleted most of my friends on Facebook. Now I still occasionally post something on Reddit. For reach, not least, plus nice acquaintances.
I’d like to close a couple of places (two blogs, at least), but I feel like it’s not the right time again. So for now, it’ll be like that. I feel comfortable that I can put something of my own in every place. Every place has its own spirit. That’s probably why it seems to me that there is no urgent need for people right now – I have myself, who has to be everywhere. That’s enough for now. And the “bar” for people has probably been raised for a certain time. I don’t want to be with everyone at once. I guess I want to find “that one person” with whom I can talk about things, share my creativity, and mutually support each other. Although…now there is such a person, and he lives in New Zealand. All that’s left is to find time to respond to him among all these sites and social networks… 🙂
Let’s go to the pArty
For the past week, if not more, I’ve been trying to find an answer for myself, what is “middle gender”? That is, you have to stand out somehow, do something? And the answer was found today. I was going to take new pictures. Yesterday I shaved my whole body. But I didn’t touch my beard. It’s even funny when the only hairy part of you is a beard))
So. Before taking pictures, I shaved completely. Because I…well, I just don’t like to shoot in a fragile image with a beard. Even if this beard is under a mask. To play my role, I have to fully correspond to it. If you want to shoot a fragile person – be it. Fragility is not stockings or shoes – it’s in you. In the desire to look your best. If you want to be a girl today – be it. To the maximum. Otherwise, what’s the point of all this?..
Today’s picture:
And the first comment on Reddit:
And I also uploaded a few photos in this mask to 500px (this is one of them, by the way). And you know what? They immediately recommended putting them up for sale. Let’s resolve the issue of “permission of the person depicted in the photo”, and…my works will be sold. Not because I threw them up for sale somewhere, but because the site suggested putting them up for sale 🙂
I consider this a success)
Creative Bisexual
Over the past two days I have managed to feel like a creative bisexual. How is that?
It is believed that gays and lesbians do not really like bisexuals. Both of them do not like that bisexuals cannot choose “who they are”.
In one place I got a comment along the lines of “how does the mask from Aliexpress feel, that other people also have?”. In another place I was asked about my BDSM-style image. And I’m very surprised that I haven’t received anything from anyone about macro photography or abstraction yet)))
I don’t know how else to convey to people that I’m not interested in 100% correspondence of what is depicted in the pictures. That is, if I depict blood in the pictures – it shouldn’t be mine or someone else’s blood. Similarly, if I wear 15-centimeter heels – it’s not about my desire to excite men with my image that I created. This is an image for the sake of an image and creativity for the sake of creativity 🙂
Emptiness Machine..
I ask myself – what went wrong last time? And I think that there was still some hope then. Hope that you can find a path that will lead you to something good. But in the reality we find ourselves in – any hope is useless. It is useless to think about a quick end to the war, it is useless to think that in your country the minimum wage (which is paid in most companies) will become such that it will allow you to at least exist, not live. Because is it easy to survive on 120 euros a month? I don’t think so…
All I want is to work at a normal job, get paid for it, and not think about anything else. I don’t mind working according to the schedule and working overtime (if necessary), I can do a lot with my hands, and I think that in time it will be useful wherever I end up.
Am I sad to leave the house and the new garden that we planted this spring? Yes. It eats me up again, just like last time. Things you’ve already made in the house, tools you’ve been collecting all your life. You understand that you can take all this with you. The best option is to move it all over time. But that’s over time. And at the same time, I understand that as it is now, I can’t continue living. Simply because this is a path to nowhere. I’m not sure that after a few years of living in the same rhythm, I won’t give up and just disappear, because I won’t see any prospects.
As before, I know that one person would be enough for me. Someone who would help me get used to a new place, help me find a job. That’s all I need, so as not to just go into the void. Because I have enough emptiness here…
High Heels
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