Inner demons
Saint Creature She doesn’t understand that my creativity is my inner demons. The darker the thoughts of the demons, the darker the creativity. The brighter I become inside, the more I release this creativity outside. No more, no less…
Personal
I fall asleep in an American flag..
..I wear my diamonds on Skid Row.. Read More
Look into my eyes – I see that you are sad..
“…And the hills are plunged into the blue sunset
And I can’t stand this sky
And in it – sharks and rays…”(с)P.A.
It’s strange to quote her here, but it’s okay here because this is the territory of free people…
I need someone who would just support me and say “everything will be fine”. For me to tell her “listen…I’m afraid…that something won’t work out. What will go wrong…that I won’t take this step…” – and she said “don’t worry. I’ll take care of you…”
I think I should sell everything I don’t need to save up as much money as possible for this venture. If everything goes well, I’ll be able to get this money back over time. But there will most likely be only one chance. But where we are now, there will be no chance at all. Because the doors of opportunity are closing and we only have this opportunity to save and get…a chance for a new life? That’s what I called the post when I wrote to the Reddit community. For some reason, my question wasn’t published, but that’s not really important. Because there was something about something else.
Ugh…power us…
The divergence of planets
If you imagine our life as a universe, and people as planets – over time, different bodies approach each other, and then, on the contrary, move away. And you, literally with your own hands, see how this happens around you. How people with whom you saw a common vision and things begin to perceive differently what you do. And you come to understand that your worlds, or the universe, are changing. Everyone changes at a different speed. Is this critical?
I used to be very sad because of the thoughts that something could change, you could stop communicating with someone, someone could disappear from your life. Now there is an understanding that in most cases there are those who are “here and now”. You either become related to them and move on, or… everyone has their own path and their own universe.
Perhaps this was the perception earlier that with moving, people and contacts that were there would be lost. Because you will become useless to anyone on the one hand, and on the other – everyone will become useless to you. You will have a new circle of friends, new faces around you. Your own reality. And this is more of a plus than a minus. Because the new reality will perceive you as new. From my feed on Facebook, I see how they don’t perceive me and I see that this me is not needed by those who needed that one. And there haven’t been any major changes yet. I haven’t had a few more piercings in my other ear, tattoos, and in general, most of me still lives “behind the screen”.
I just want to live and not think about how people will perceive your appearance or your creativity. So as not to even bother with all this… that’s why I want to move…
Background of the Soul
Do all people see or hear things the same way? At one time, I thought that there are people who may not like someone, but I find something nice in them. And I thought that only I see this and no one else. Over time, I came to understand that my perception is the same average as that of others, accordingly, any person from the same class of the population will perceive a particular person, most likely, in the same way as I do. Music is another matter.
When I was driving today and listening to a song, I thought that I don’t know how someone else could perceive it? Because for him it will sound completely different and in a completely different form. He will not see the same meanings as me, it will even annoy someone. And what we like in music may be very unpleasant for someone else. Many people don’t think about this, but… we are not one of those, are we? 🙂
With all this, I came to the conclusion that I created a world for myself in which certain things are interconnected, which is why I can easily type posts like this while listening to my playlist, and I can’t collect my thoughts if some YouTube video or something else is playing in the background. Because this music is a part of me and it is the “background of the soul”. It can only be understood by you, because it’s like your own house and someone else’s – you can only feel “at home” in your own place, and such a phrase as “feel at home” loses all meaning, because you can’t feel like you’re used to somewhere else.
I think it would be great if we could let someone listen to our playlist and it gave us the opportunity to see the world through our eyes. To understand our perception. But, unfortunately, although it works, it is in very exceptional cases. Otherwise, our music, thoughts, and world will always remain just our “home,” in which others will feel uncomfortable.
Black hole
It seems like there’s too much time, but for some reason there’s not enough of it for anything. It’s like you’re doing your daily chores, trying to get everything done, but in fact…in fact, the main thing is to improve your health.
I don’t like periods when I can’t control my physical condition. That is, I don’t understand how to get out of the hole I’ve found myself in. So let’s try to get treated as prescribed by the doctor, and then we’ll see. Because everything is “not quite” as we would like.
I’m trying to keep two blogs, Pulse (where I try to win contests), Deviant, I don’t even look at Reddit anymore. I postpone posts a little bit. I don’t have the strength or the opportunity to write new ones right now, but I still do them from time to time. I have a lot of things to do and I need to get everything done, but…there are always some “buts”.
Money has become a little easier, which is very pleasing. By the end of March, I would like to close the money issue and move forward. Because too many debts have accumulated. Is it realistic to pull out all the plans? I hope so. There is still time, but I hope for some “luck”. Maybe life will give me the same chance? Maybe at least once?..
Hard start
The year started hard because…for two weeks in a row, every day someone needs something. Few people are interested in how I’m doing and whether I need something, but everyone wants something from me. Some help, advice, so that I can do something for them. And, to be honest, I’m already burned out on helping someone with something. I want a person. I want communication. I want sincere interest. So that we mutually feed each other with inspiration and…I don’t know. I want to receive and give love, so that the main idea of the interaction between me and the person is this love itself. Do I want too much? Probably…
I want to disappear from this city and this country, and be where I will be the only one who decides who I want to help and who not. I don’t want to be convenient. I want to be out of reach. So that no one can not recommend me, not contact me, no, not even ask me something.
I will grit my teeth on that move, just so that it happens and I end up in another place where they don’t know me. Where I won’t be convenient for everyone and everyone. I want to help, but I want my boundaries to be clearly understood. So that no calls after 9 and until, at least, 10.
Our cat can be pampered, but she knows the limit. She knows that when she has the strength and time – she can climb into bed in the morning and get her dose of attention and love. When she wants to play with a ball – we go and start playing tennis. To give her attention. But she clearly knows when we shouldn’t climb, shouldn’t be bothered, and in general it’s better not to touch. She’s a cat. She’s an animal. So why don’t people who are visually similar to us have the same understanding?..
Each evening has its own plan
Every evening, when my time comes, I have my own plan for it. That is, I plan what I will do for the next few hours. Sometimes it is posting photos on websites, sometimes repairing something. I have plans to film a video of repairing a camera and this will probably be the first video on the channel. The first video for an article. This is a laborious process, so I put it off until last. Today I restored the battery of a screwdriver. The process went well, although it was the first time. I also managed to shoot a micro-video with a tentacle for a post on the main blog and also took a few photos with it. But that’s not what this is about.
I planned these thoughts, and I’m trying to collect them. I found a person, and it almost ended with a breakdown in the spirit of “deleting Facebook” (well… you know. I have this happen to me. Or not? Oh…). But I didn’t. Because it’s pointless now. I think the best option is to develop these relationships. For many reasons “why”. It is appropriate to mention Placebo:
“Time will help you through
But it doesn’t have the time
To give you all the answers
To the never-ending why”
I can’t explain why you shouldn’t impose yourself on someone. Maybe that’s why it’s perceived as an imposition? I think so.
I don’t deserve new people with my current perception of other people. Because I think more than usual about what I can get “in the near future”. But the question should be asked differently – what can I give? And this is the main question that I can’t answer.
The other side of the question has always been that people need exactly the little that you can give – sincere interest, words of encouragement. When you are interested in what a person writes simply because you are really interested.
An eternal struggle with myself. I am learning to be a Creature. Not to make the mistakes that I would have made before, and to listen more to my inner voice.
Other Creativity
One day I can wear stockings or a skirt, the next… Read More
The face is tense – a devastated smile
I look exhausted. And old. This situation with the lack of income is taking a toll on my health, especially today. It’s nice to think that you still have a chance and opportunities, but now I see that both chance and opportunities have been taken away from me. This country has taken away both of those things from me. It makes me want to just take a ticket with my last money and go somewhere else, look for another, better life. What will it be? Probably, any one will be better now. Simply because I’m tired of living the way I am now, depending on… people. If no one buys anything from you – no one needs you. I’m not sure that we will be able to go to my nephews in the spring, since for now, literally, there is no money even for food. Of course, there is something to sell and close the issue “for now”, but I don’t want to stay here any longer. Because without free income – I have nothing here. Absolutely. We have a house, but it has no meaning or value if you can’t pay for its maintenance, and that’s exactly what it’s going to do now. And I see how this country, having drunk the juices out of people, has taken away my ability to buy something. Others are suffering – I’m suffering too. And I don’t want to think about what it will be like there after the war and in general. I just want not to think about this country at all. Because it has taught me only that it constantly takes something away…