Sup Por T
Saint Creature Well…I have to admit that sometimes I need support too. But…
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I think I’m imagining it?..
I catch myself in this state again when I realize that it’s all just in my head. I’m again not correctly perceiving other people’s emotions. Maybe it’s empathy, maybe interest in certain aspects of a person. But no more. And I can step on the same rake again if I perceive something differently. The world doesn’t work in my image and likeness. All people are different and not like me. In general, this should be perceived as “if I think something is like this – it means it’s not like this, but completely different”. And now is the moment when you should catch it.
I like to substitute my values into the formula instead of “X” and “Y”, getting the results that would satisfy me. But you have to remember that I am always “insufficient”. For other people, something in me is always not enough for something to happen. At such moments you are most vulnerable, and every little thing can knock you off track. Are you ready for this time?..
It would be strange for me, at least once, to meet someone just like me. No games. No substitutions of the desired for the real. A person who would believe me. But can you be believed if, sometimes, you don’t believe yourself?..Your openness is killing you. It kills anything, because people don’t like openness. They need a mystery. A secret that they will want to find in you. Something personal that remains inside…
“Talk to me, talk to me
Won’t you make it all make sense?
Caught between the memories
Of yesterday and who we were back then
But I’ve been here before
So I think I know the score
Hit me when I’m sore..”
Those we love the most, with every moment, less and less..
A couple of weeks ago, a bright person passed away – my cousin Oleksandr. I would like to remember him a little… Read More
Home’s the same, but I’m not..
Covered in the blood of all the shadows that I fought
If I’m the one left standing, why does it feel like I lost?
And though it knocks me down, I get back up
I wanna change, I’ve had enough Read More
At the crossroads
Two days, two attempts, two chances. Not so. Zero chances. Because we always remain ourselves. I told Daria about this – our problem is that even when we try/want to be or look like someone else, we return to the fact that our behavior does not change, because we are us. In every sense. I asked myself what Sa would do. She recommended being ourselves. In the worst possible way. And these are nails, a provocative earring (two?), and… a gender-neutral T-shirt. Everything we like.
Sa plays her own game…it’s not about wanting to please someone, it’s about wanting to please yourself. To be yourself in that rare moment. Your worse or better half?..gentle. First and foremost.
I would like to learn to pretend to be someone else. Convenient at times. Understanding at times. But I am me. With all the pros and cons. No, I don’t consider the way I sometimes look or perceive myself to be a disadvantage. Quite the opposite.
Sa will not disappear anywhere. From me. From this universe. Because she is the last fuse that saves me from everything that happened then. Sa is an alternative “me” that wanted to live. Which said “I will teach you how to have fun and be yourself. How to make plans and look to the future. How to live despite how difficult it is sometimes”. Music, movies, books, anything else – it doesn’t matter. What is important is the understanding that sometimes I am more Sa than myself. These are not days of mourning, these are days of celebration. As if it were your birthday. Artificial, but okay. I love these days. Shall we have a celebration?..
Yes, but no
It’s amazing how my perception and thoughts can change from evening to morning, or rather, day. With my thoughts and actions, I remind myself right now of some maniac who is looking for a victim. The question is whether he is “looking for”, and what exactly is a “victim”. Because the fact is a fact…
Is my world, in this sense, divided into two points of view? And no. Because sometimes it seems that Sa is just waiting to insert his “what the hell?!”. The other half is trying to copulate herself in a state of alcoholic intoxication. Therefore, one thing in the evening, another in the morning. Despite all sorts of coincidences.
We could, of course, add an inferiority complex here. But why? This complex is worthless, just like I am now. Yes, in a sense I am a (good?) hardworking person, but honesty and everything else are not worth anything now. I don’t have any other currency in me. Nevertheless, pride is still there. That’s why I allow myself to do something for someone for free, despite the fact that I desperately need money to pay off my debts now. Because this is my freedom. The day I say the phrase “sorry, but I can’t do it for free, because..” – kill me. I won’t need someone like that…
Maybe I’m just not focused on money? I mean, to somehow earn it en masse and in general? And do I think I should be like that? Maybe..
Each person can be perceived in a different plane. In communication. In relationships. In each plane, each person has their own needs. We only see a fraction of the needs. But how objective is what we see, relative to what is? It always remains a mystery on both sides.
In any case, I let go and I don’t hope for anything, I don’t make plans and thoughts. This is not it. It’s not “because..” – here I will substitute my own version.
Feels
In fact, it already feels like you’re alone with the world. Technically, I’ve always been alone with it. I might have made mistakes in certain decisions, but I didn’t feel supported on certain issues that were critical to me “in the moment.” I always asked myself “what if it were different?”
It doesn’t matter if you’re left alone with the whole world or a small town – you become more cautious. On the one hand. On the other… when you’re alone – your hands are untied in every sense. The decisions you make will be exclusively yours. Even if they’re wrong. The world consists of a multitude of illusions, each of which creates some kind of protection in your imagination. Which, in reality, never exists. In general, I wasn’t protected, not from the arbitrariness of doctors, not from myself, not from the bunch of mistakes that were made. Did they have them? I don’t know…
We create a feeling in ourselves that there is someone nearby. He will be able to solve critical issues. Help in a difficult situation. Just be there. We are always looking for someone who will help us “go through this world” more easily. But I feel that I have taken on so many different…strange things for others that in general I will probably remain alone. Simply because this world does not accept people like me. People who accept are even scarier than me. And much more..
We get used to a comfort zone that we don’t want to leave. But sometimes it happens that outside this comfort zone there is another world. It may be good for us, it may not. You won’t know until you try. I gave myself a deadline of “until 40 years old”. Let’s try to increase it somehow. Change life, find new meanings. Because there is a feeling that now is the time. I would like to stop being afraid and thinking about how I will be perceived or what they will think of me. If I look this way or that way. If I just be myself. The world around me is, of course, big and evil. But is it eviler than me?..
Things
There are things you want to ask a person directly, but you already know the answer to that question in your head.
In our head there is always an “ideal” version of events. Which never happens. Because we start from it. And everything you imagine and everything you will have are always different things. Everything you voiced to someone will not come true simply because you voiced it. And internally you look for all the ways to make it different.
I am not waiting for this option for two reasons. The first is that it is questionable. The second is that it is idealized from the point of view of internal perception. The third is that there is a third. you always plan one thing and choose another. Because “in the moment” you are alone, but in life… life is full of surprises.
I think she doesn’t need me. Just like Kas was unnecessary when there were two realities – one where we meet the dawn together, and another where the dawn is a nuclear explosion.
Sometimes people tell you that certain things take time. But in the moment there is no time. There is no time in you. Because you live in the present. And it flies by, somewhere buzzing, outside the window…
It’s been quite difficult lately…
..I don’t think it will get easier from now on. In every sense. This doesn’t mean you should stop. Read More
But I’ve been here before, ‘fore, ‘fore…
…So hit me when I’m sore, I’m sore..