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People Personal

At the crossroads

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Two days, two attempts, two chances. Not so. Zero chances. Because we always remain ourselves. I told Daria about this – our problem is that even when we try/want to be or look like someone else, we return to the fact that our behavior does not change, because we are us. In every sense. I asked myself what Sa would do. She recommended being ourselves. In the worst possible way. And these are nails, a provocative earring (two?), and… a gender-neutral T-shirt. Everything we like.

Sa plays her own game…it’s not about wanting to please someone, it’s about wanting to please yourself. To be yourself in that rare moment. Your worse or better half?..gentle. First and foremost.

I would like to learn to pretend to be someone else. Convenient at times. Understanding at times. But I am me. With all the pros and cons. No, I don’t consider the way I sometimes look or perceive myself to be a disadvantage. Quite the opposite.

Sa will not disappear anywhere. From me. From this universe. Because she is the last fuse that saves me from everything that happened then. Sa is an alternative “me” that wanted to live. Which said “I will teach you how to have fun and be yourself. How to make plans and look to the future. How to live despite how difficult it is sometimes”. Music, movies, books, anything else – it doesn’t matter. What is important is the understanding that sometimes I am more Sa than myself. These are not days of mourning, these are days of celebration. As if it were your birthday. Artificial, but okay. I love these days. Shall we have a celebration?..

People Personal

Yes, but no

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It’s amazing how my perception and thoughts can change from evening to morning, or rather, day. With my thoughts and actions, I remind myself right now of some maniac who is looking for a victim. The question is whether he is “looking for”, and what exactly is a “victim”. Because the fact is a fact…

Is my world, in this sense, divided into two points of view? And no. Because sometimes it seems that Sa is just waiting to insert his “what the hell?!”. The other half is trying to copulate herself in a state of alcoholic intoxication. Therefore, one thing in the evening, another in the morning. Despite all sorts of coincidences.

We could, of course, add an inferiority complex here. But why? This complex is worthless, just like I am now. Yes, in a sense I am a (good?) hardworking person, but honesty and everything else are not worth anything now. I don’t have any other currency in me. Nevertheless, pride is still there. That’s why I allow myself to do something for someone for free, despite the fact that I desperately need money to pay off my debts now. Because this is my freedom. The day I say the phrase “sorry, but I can’t do it for free, because..” – kill me. I won’t need someone like that…

Maybe I’m just not focused on money? I mean, to somehow earn it en masse and in general? And do I think I should be like that? Maybe..

Each person can be perceived in a different plane. In communication. In relationships. In each plane, each person has their own needs. We only see a fraction of the needs. But how objective is what we see, relative to what is? It always remains a mystery on both sides.

In any case, I let go and I don’t hope for anything, I don’t make plans and thoughts. This is not it. It’s not “because..” – here I will substitute my own version.

Personal Thoughts

Feels

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In fact, it already feels like you’re alone with the world. Technically, I’ve always been alone with it. I might have made mistakes in certain decisions, but I didn’t feel supported on certain issues that were critical to me “in the moment.” I always asked myself “what if it were different?”

It doesn’t matter if you’re left alone with the whole world or a small town – you become more cautious. On the one hand. On the other… when you’re alone – your hands are untied in every sense. The decisions you make will be exclusively yours. Even if they’re wrong. The world consists of a multitude of illusions, each of which creates some kind of protection in your imagination. Which, in reality, never exists. In general, I wasn’t protected, not from the arbitrariness of doctors, not from myself, not from the bunch of mistakes that were made. Did they have them? I don’t know…

We create a feeling in ourselves that there is someone nearby. He will be able to solve critical issues. Help in a difficult situation. Just be there. We are always looking for someone who will help us “go through this world” more easily. But I feel that I have taken on so many different…strange things for others that in general I will probably remain alone. Simply because this world does not accept people like me. People who accept are even scarier than me. And much more..

We get used to a comfort zone that we don’t want to leave. But sometimes it happens that outside this comfort zone there is another world. It may be good for us, it may not. You won’t know until you try. I gave myself a deadline of “until 40 years old”. Let’s try to increase it somehow. Change life, find new meanings. Because there is a feeling that now is the time. I would like to stop being afraid and thinking about how I will be perceived or what they will think of me. If I look this way or that way. If I just be myself. The world around me is, of course, big and evil. But is it eviler than me?..

Personal

Things

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There are things you want to ask a person directly, but you already know the answer to that question in your head.

In our head there is always an “ideal” version of events. Which never happens. Because we start from it. And everything you imagine and everything you will have are always different things. Everything you voiced to someone will not come true simply because you voiced it. And internally you look for all the ways to make it different.

I am not waiting for this option for two reasons. The first is that it is questionable. The second is that it is idealized from the point of view of internal perception. The third is that there is a third. you always plan one thing and choose another. Because “in the moment” you are alone, but in life… life is full of surprises.

I think she doesn’t need me. Just like Kas was unnecessary when there were two realities – one where we meet the dawn together, and another where the dawn is a nuclear explosion.

Sometimes people tell you that certain things take time. But in the moment there is no time. There is no time in you. Because you live in the present. And it flies by, somewhere buzzing, outside the window…

Personal Thoughts

From a clean slate

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Of the TV series that I liked, there was one that I didn’t talk about. I plan to watch it again to revive the memories and feelings. I remember that I liked the music in it. It’s a bit melancholic.

I was surprised that two years ago I had a post with the same name . I think the title of the post also matched the title of this series. In general, it is about a man who moves to a new city and plans to start all over again. He used to have problems with alcohol, so he tries to move away from the past and move on. But certain difficulties in life return him to his previous path, and everyone turns away from him.

I try to live life, but sometimes it’s very difficult, because all your plans and efforts are destroyed by reality, which simply does not allow you to swim to the shore. And this is not about memories of two years ago. That is, not thoughts of suicide or anything else – sometimes you just understand how difficult it is to carry this world on your shoulders. I am now further from suicide than ever, which is why it was even stranger to watch that movie the other day, with the understanding that you know how it is, and you are more scared not by what you see, but by what you want to say “oh no… you don’t do it that way, let me show you how…”.

I couldn’t erase myself from this world then, and I became curious about what it would be like if I did everything the other way around. If I tried to live it? This is life, no matter what. I’m not afraid of the TCC or checkpoints not because I believe in my status. In fact, under this status, I’m dead as a soldier. I’m more interested in something else – they caught me somewhere. Busified me. What’s next? With those electronic registers and other things…where they know more about you than you do. How will I get through the VLK and where will I end up? It would be an adventure, that’s how I feel about it.

I was given the chance to live freely, and I’m taking advantage of it. Sometimes it’s harder than I’d like. Sometimes it’s incomprehensible. But I’m trying my best…

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Thoughts

Manifesto (smart talk’s with Daria)

People Personal

At the crossroads

People Personal

Yes, but no

Personal Thoughts

Feels