Talk to me, talk to me…
Saint Creature ..Won’t you make it all make sense?.. Read More
Thoughts
Unconditional Love
I discovered the term “unconditional love” for myself. I wanted to convey a thought that is spinning in my head, but there is something that is inside you, but is not in words. And this very term reflects it at least a little. What if we remove the desire to own a person? That is, the term itself can be about different types of ownership. For example, we can rent a car, or buy and own it ourselves, or borrow it from someone. It’s still owning a car, no matter how you say it. But what is “owning a person”? Sashka said today “it would be interesting how a friend would react if some girl sent her husband a nude photo (although not hers)” to the fact that I received this same photo. And this is one side of unconditional love, which is based on trust.
From the opposite, no matter how difficult it is, but you always have to understand what will be more useful for the other person. What will be better for her. And proceed from her desire. And I can get attached to someone as much as I want, but at the same time I want the person to find their happiness with someone. You understand that in this case you will not have communication and, perhaps, there will be no time left for you. But this is precisely what this “unconditionality” is all about. That is, when you love a person not in order to get married, “sleep with them” or something else. You want a certain entity to be in the most comfortable conditions. At the same time, not wanting to get something back.
This is a rather difficult path, because you need to simultaneously respect and appreciate someone’s needs, not forget about your own needs, and balance in this universe between-between.
The world dictates to us the rules that we always have to own something. That everything has a price and every thing or person is either ours or someone else’s. Without any “buts”. Because without these rules there will be no marketing. There will be no competition. It’s like she writes that “we talked and talked until we saw old photos. You show yourself as you are – communication disappears.” Because people need an image. People need what they have drawn for themselves. They don’t need a person with their needs and problems. They need a picture. “Fucking”, if you like. Otherwise they are not interested.
The world is completely made up of marketing, and it pisses me off…
..While you are still sleeping, while you are still me…
..the problem with working at night was that sometimes I would just turn on a song, play it in a loop, humming it softly to myself…and an hour or two would pass like that… Read More
Come to your senses
In the Ukrainian language there is a word “схаменутись”, which in English sounds like “to come to your senses”. It sometimes reminds me of Chinese, when one word in one language conveys more depth than a few words in another. It’s like just kissing someone instead of a few words, conveying the whole essence of the thought.
I was wondering the other day if this isn’t my stopping point. Isn’t it the moment, isn’t it the environment? Aren’t it the people around me when I should come to my senses and stop searching? And here you can say that this is the beginning and the end. Because you can’t stop and stop life at some point. The world is dynamic. It decides what you will have and when and with whom. The world exists in many planes simultaneously, where each person has their own universe, the events in which affect other universes. To convey the idea more clearly – it’s like the moment when you study in college and you have friends, a company. Over time, you graduate and everyone runs away. The number of variables becomes such that you can’t physically continue to exist in the same plane. In this sense, it’s funny to watch stories from movies, when there is such a term as “college friends”, who interact even after a decade or a half. I wonder, do you, readers of this blog, have many friends from college or university? Huh?..
You can see the whole universe in a person or anything, but usually the more you see in someone, the further they become from you. So you should always keep some distance. You should always have backup options. You should always remember that the world is too changeable to believe in anything in the plane of time. And while some people think about how infinite the universe as a whole is, I narrow it down to the people around you, and try to understand how these small bodies work. Because only by understanding where it all begins can you find out how it all ends.
Medusa/Bouquet/Salute (art by Sasha Kuznetsova )
There are things that fascinate me so much that it is difficult to even convey the emotional background they carry. Especially when it concerns someone’s work. Read More
Diary of a Spoiled Sa
..about sex in minus 20… Read More
Only happy when…
There are several interesting facts related to each other. The first of them was that this song/work was dedicated to her. In the full sense. It sounded something like “I’m happy only when we communicate”. I guess I should admit it.
The second interesting fact is that I am still blocked on Devi. Yes, I got curious, I checked – now I am blocked. And for some reason this makes me happy. Because it connects all the dots and no “accidentally liked”. It’s convenient when you are not the one who blocks. So as not to save it somewhere in the lists.
The third is “replacement syndrome”. Because I completely replaced the person who disappeared from my life with others. With someone I communicate pleasantly and share a worldview. With someone we are mutually inspired by creativity, and this is valuable. I love them and what they create.
I have come a long way and am leaving this sadness behind. With a pure heart and a sense of completion. When a person doesn’t just appear in your life by some random chance. So…now I’m “happy not only when it rains”.
I hate
It’s interesting that one of the last, if not the last, posts of the year will be about hate.
I caught myself thinking that I hate the fact that when I look at certain people who either organized a concert for themselves (meaning their own), or something else. And you understand that they were able to do it because they have some acquaintances or friends who helped them do it. In other words, they have this “shoulder” that you have never had in your life.
They say that in a relationship, someone loves, and someone allows themselves to be loved – and sometimes it feels like everything works the same with someone’s help. There are those who help someone, and it’s you, and there are those who just need your help. They are simply not created to help you yourself, even in some small way. Simply because they are not created.
If you look at it more broadly. From the angle that everything in life is based on love – even if it is “blind fanaticism”, it follows that if a person does not love you – they will not want to help you with anything. Because when you love someone – you try to do everything for them. And it turns out that no one loves you.
Every time I catch myself thinking that our relationships (family) are based on that. That for the most part, you can only rely on yourself. There are occasional people who sincerely try to help you, but in a general sense, it doesn’t work that way. With the feeling that you were simply not born with some kind of golden spoon up your ass.
That’s exactly why I’m so attached to people like Kasia, who somehow reacted positively to what I was creating – and that’s it. It seems to you that at least someone has appreciated what others have devalued. And you start clinging to such people. To make an icon out of them.
There is a sense of hopelessness when you realize that there is no solution to all this. Simply because everyone has their own path in life. And if you really can’t touch someone with something that they will like – your path is the path of a loner.
This is sad..
Fetish Shop
I thought that I would like to open a Fetish Shop. Literally. Sell things that relate to someone’s fetishes. For example, start selling (officially?) toys from Bad Dragon in Ukraine. Or various costumes, dresses for role-playing games. Moreover – latex costumes. Represent our brands that produce BDSM paraphernalia (yes, I have already come across such). It would be intriguing, because in my opinion only people with strange fetishes can be interesting. If you want to find friends – look among your own kind))
This requires a big budget, so I’m not sure that I will ever be able to implement it. But… our life consists of projects that we either implement or not. Who knows how it will go on. Right?..
Changes
Unnoticeably to myself, I have become too cautious. I no longer make sudden purchases or gifts. Everything is weighed. Measured. I don’t buy things because I “just like them,” but I really consider whether I can afford to pay, for example, $25 for a router. Is that too much? I plan to pay the router itself, which costs $62, in installments, with the understanding that now, this previously ridiculous amount, is becoming unaffordable for me. Maybe until spring. Maybe until we can work at full capacity again, but not yet.
It’s funny, but I even have a budget divided by income. What I spend on expensive goods and what on cheaper ones, even those that will bring more income. I have to check every penny so that one thing matches the other. I plan to heat the house with firewood for at least a couple of months in the winter to save those $166 on gas (although almost the same $166 were spent on firewood). And this savings is in many ways.
The other day I was surprised how many alcohol bottles were in the garbage bag. It is clear that it is not “for a month” or even a year, but it is a fact. You look and understand how much money is spent, including on such nonsense. But if you do not smoke (hello 100 UAH per pack per day/two), it is not scary to drink something 1-2 times a week. Is it scary?..mich gerh laughs at me during these thoughts, because well…because.
Even in the creative realm, it’s a funny moment right now – every time I go to wash, I shave a separate part. Hoping that the day will come, and “after finishing everything else, I’ll go and photograph myself again.” I want that. To do dark things, illuminating them in photos. Sounds good, doesn’t it?..
It’s three o’clock again. Time to sleep…