Thoughts

I always give a head start

Sometimes I think that (maybe) by playing with AI or trying to somehow “catch the wave” – ​​I could achieve greater results. Not so much in creativity, but in earnings, perhaps. But I do not start moving in this direction. Sometimes I resemble an old photographer who still uses film and develops his works himself, although I am far from that. Moreover – I happily use filters and manual processing of photos, and not even in RAW (my photo editor does not support Panasonic S5), but in classic Jpeg. Would I like some kind of recognition? Probably. But not in a broad sense, but in a narrower circle – so that there are people who are interested in what I sometimes do.

I probably want creativity to remain creativity and in it I can freely reflect myself and my inner world. And I will earn a living by other methods.

Internal Rich

Although curiosity is not a sin, I’m sure in hell, Texas black bakers will “fry” (read as fuck) me for it. Because I’ve always been curious about other people’s lives. As my ex used to say – when you look in someone’s window – there’s a life in each window. So have I.

I’ve always wondered what kind of people sold the camera – so I often tried to restore the pictures to see what the owners looked like. Once I was sold a laptop that had undeleted nude photos of the girlfriend of the guy who sold it. Bingo, right? Relatively. Because I don’t care what she looked like or what she had between her legs. The experience itself is interesting. The opportunity to observe something personal. And so it was in this case. I wondered what he was interested in. I didn’t expect to find anything unusual. But, oh my God. I saw something that the church would send him to “fry” not far from me for.

Trans porn. Seriously? I asked myself if I understood correctly – yes, that’s right. However, considering what kind of model it was (whoever googles trans porn model – that’s me!) – I wouldn’t mind watching it myself, haha! My type. I’m not trans, but changing clothes today (I only wanted to take a photo of my legs, but I couldn’t resist, because I got a great combo of two types of clothes again), I wondered – I wonder how that person would perceive me in this form? I’m not interested in everything “after”, that is, it’s not about self-esteem of self-sexuality. To put it simply – I wouldn’t want to know if someone fucked me. But let’s imagine that a person comes across a video where I’m in a BDSM costume. It’s not known who I am and what. So, the theoretical chances are more than zero.

Knowing my perverted nature, I probably just want to understand, at least sometimes, that I’m not the only one like this, and that this is a kind of norm. But so far I’ve come to the conclusion that if this is the norm, then only mine 🙂

Sexuality has no gender and no restrictions. The main restrictions are in our heads. I perceive all people as they are. Because I like it when people are real with me. Rich. And I try to be the same in response.

Here’s my work, which I expected to receive. I struggled with the shadow from the camera, had to correct the colours and lighting, but…

P.S. for the sake of objectivity (I told about someone – I have to tell about myself) I myself watch various porn “according to my mood”, so porn with transsexuals did not surprise me much. I am not afraid that my “some wrong” photos will be seen by someone who knows me, because it will be a more “traumatic” experience for them than for me 🙂

Life in real time

I caught myself thinking that life is happening in real time now. Without specific plans and intentions. We are trying to find additional sources of income here and now. At the same time, we are planning a trip to the Czech Republic, which is unknown how and where it will end. With the understanding that if we go there, we have to stay, at least until we return the money invested in the trip.

The uncertainty of what will happen tomorrow, not to mention what will happen in a week, prompts us to think through every step. Look at the situation soberly, without any glasses. Choosing a path for yourself, you always try to choose the best. And it’s good to understand that your mother has no questions about why you are going, but still, go if there is a good moment. Because she understands that in the current reality any option is good, provided that what will happen will not be worse than now. This is valuable.

Sometimes I feel like I’m responsible for what happened yesterday, what’s happening today, and what’s going to happen tomorrow. That is, I’m doing three things at the same time in three time periods. Which makes me very tired, and I don’t have time for anything. I want to make a video and write a post, and do household chores, but I’m not enough for everything at once. Just physically.

Somewhere inside there is a feeling of change. That something will change soon. Seriously. Her attitude towards gays and in general made me laugh. It’s nice when a person is on the same wavelength with you. In general, understanding that you can interact with a person who has a similar worldview inspires and makes the path easier. Sometimes it seems that it would be much easier for me to understand how to act and what to do on the spot than trying to solve something from here. That on the spot I will find myself and prove myself. It often seems that people simply don’t let themselves be shown so that they can see how useful you will be to them. Because my essence is such that I always and everywhere try to be useful. And in general, only in this way can you achieve something. Only when people understand that they cannot do without you.

I do not make plans about where and when I will be, and whether I will live here or somewhere else. Recently, a poem by a famous Ukrainian poet has been mentioned more and more often. It is very much reflected inside somewhere. In the original language and translation…

“Мені однаково, чи буду
Я жить в Україні, чи ні.
Чи хто згадає, чи забуде
Мене в снігу на чужині —
Однаковісінько мені.

В неволі виріс між чужими,
І, неоплаканий своїми,
В неволі, плачучи, умру,
І все з собою заберу —
Малого сліду не покину
На нашій славній Україні,
На нашій — не своїй землі.
I не пом’яне батько з сином,
Не скаже синові: — Молись.
Молися, сину: за Вкраїну
Його замучили колись. —

Мені однаково, чи буде
Той син молитися, чи ні…
Та не однаково мені,
Як Україну злії люди
Присплять, лукаві, і в огні
Її, окраденую, збудять…
Ох, не однаково мені.”(с)Т.Г. Шевченко

“I don’t care whether
I live in Ukraine or not.
Whether anyone remembers or forgets
Me in the snow in a foreign land —
It’s all the same to me.

In captivity I grew up among strangers,
And, unlamented by my own,
In captivity, crying, I will die,
And I will take everything with me —
I will not leave a small trace
On our glorious Ukraine,
On our – not our own land.
And the father will not remember with his son,
He will not say to his son: — Pray.
Pray, son: for Ukraine
He was tortured once. —

I don’t care whether
That son will pray or not…
But only one thing is matters to me.
How evil people are destroying Ukraine.
She will be robbed and forgotten.
This one thing is matters to me.” (c) T.H. Shevchenko

 

 

Success Line

I exhibit quite a lot of work, but not much of it resonates with anyone. But that’s not a reason to stop creating something. I don’t measure the relevance of my work by the number of likes. Of course, it’s good when you find like-minded people and they like your work. But I consider “success” when platforms accept your work for sale.

Now I often create something that is not just nature photography in its purest form. I compose more often. I use myself as part of my work. You might find it funny, but now platforms offer more licensing for photos of me than of all sorts of flowers or bugs that I shoot. It’s funny, strange, but I appreciate it.

I often think that I spend too little time on my work for it to bear fruit. I will try to develop this direction

The patient was becoming somewhat sad…

I can be considered excessive or harsh in terms of perception of other people, but I have certain protective barriers. They do not allow me to become a victim of other people. So here I perceive my interlocutor somewhat biased, with the understanding that he may not be entirely honest with me.

Today we watched the movie “Side Effects” (2013) with Jude Law, Rooney Mara, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Channing Tatum. It was about a patient who faked her illness and did a very bad thing. Not that I draw parallels, but there is something to it.

I think it is difficult for her to maintain a conversation with me, but I do not really understand why this communication should continue from her side? Because it does not oblige to anything. So what is the point?..to prove something to someone?..

We can paint someone’s sky and be a good friend, but friendship takes two…

What, if..?

Nora just a…robot? I think about that. Why she can’t something like bot, similar to ChatGPT or something else? Her some answers saw me, that this or very non emphatic person, that not interesting photos of something, that make person with that she’s speaking, or…very-very business woman, that have some other interests, and not like speaking about art or creativity.

And…i wrote this without translator. I think, this text have many…ugh…problems?  Mistakes? Not that word that i want to say… 🙂

Battle for the Sun

I, I, I will battle for the sun, sun, sun…

 

…And I, I, I won’t stop until I’m done, done, done
You, you, you are getting in the way, way, way
And I, I, I have nothing left to say, say, say…(c)Placebo


I completely accept my sexuality the way I am. Hints of narcissism? Probably. But where is the line between narcissism and healthy self-perception, when you don’t destroy yourself with conscience? ..

My thinness in one place and minimal muscles in another make me exactly the physique that I like. And earrings only add confidence to the image. Because everyone appreciates strength. And as long as you show it – you will be respected.

You have to pull out every element in our life. You can be anyone and look like anyone under one condition – the train of confidence and self-esteem must be at such a level that no one has any doubts that you should be exactly who you see yourself or pretend to be.

When we were in the hospital with one man (quite interesting, in my opinion) – we had an argument about how far I could go in my madness. I told him that if I wanted to and if there was a need, I would do anything to prove my point. He doubted it. In general, the last year was a year when people did not believe me. They questioned my words and thoughts. And they were wrong.

You should always be a person who has nothing to lose – because only in this case you will know your worth and go to the goal.

“I am not the enemy, my touch can be so tender”

Well. The person I’m talking to isn’t a bot and isn’t trying to kill me. That’s an achievement, I think.

What am I betting on? Yes, a random person found me on Telegram, but in general, this is the main goal. That is, she needs a temporary interlocutor. Then, when the time comes and she becomes uninterested – she will simply disappear somewhere, just as she appeared. That is, you should not look for any deeper motives for all this.

I was once the same person myself, so karma caught up with me. However, let it be as it is. I thought about stopping communicating, but if you throw away the people that life sends you every time – it will stop sending at least someone. I really appreciate those who appreciate me, because they are the ones “I have”. I love Monch, who subscribed to me here, I love Aaron from New Zealand. Because these are people I feel. But I know that this person is most likely very temporary. However… it is her choice and her right. It is not my fault.

Somewhere nearby…

There was drones attack at night in Odessa, or rather, in the high-rise building where my brother was at the time. It’s good that he wasn’t hurt. But sometimes, everything is “dark”, somewhere very close. Not with me, of course, because I live near the border anyway, everything just flies through us. But well…

Sometimes I think what will happen to the resources that I managed when I’m gone. Like, whoop! And silence. It causes a certain sadness. That it will die with me. When a person is gone, the whole universe that existed thanks to them is gone. My brother has so many projects, three children, and everything. It’s scary to imagine how all this could not happen.

I’m not afraid of dying. And this is what I live with and will live with until the last day. But I’m afraid of losing someone in the sense that I’m used to controlling all my “losses”, and usually it’s called “stopping communication”. And such losses. They are more terrible… that’s why I can’t imagine what it would feel like if something did happen…

Sometimes life is a movie you don’t want to watch because you know how the plot will end.