Exhale..
Saint Creature If we’re not talking about creativity, but about a separate composition from the concert, then… I probably caught the main hyperfix of that concert on “Breath.” Read More
Thoughts
Mirror, mirror on the wall, Show me truth or none at all..
“Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Show me truth or none at all
Break the glass and walk away,
I’m done with everything.” Read More
Painful orgasm
Well. I caught myself thinking that the creativity that arises in me through people has its own term. “Pain orgasm”. It doesn’t look much like dopamine. But it’s probably “joy from pain”. This is when you create something because of internal pain, but at the same time you feel a pleasant relief after creating the work. But it’s not about eliminating the root cause of the pain with work, but, as it were, its visualization.
All that’s left is to learn to control it. Not like it was with Kas…
Let this work be a background, like a memory…
Valuable
How valuable is it to be able to tell a young person that…you don’t care where she’s from. Because first of all, you know she’s from somewhere in the West, and secondly…you really, sincerely, aren’t interested. You don’t want to consider her as a partner, not as someone you’d want to meet in person someday (although you’d be interested in talking to her) – no way. Why?
Because it is at this moment that you choose yourself. You make a choice about yourself and your needs and desires. Your vision of the future. They don’t decide whether you will meet or not and why, you do. These are important steps away from devaluing yourself as a person.
And it played in my head again…
“Even if you don’t sleep every night,
Even if you paint my eyes,
Even if you walk around the world,
I won’t come to you”
OCD
What’s up. In the list of “self-diagnosed” the winner of the evening is OCD. Well, let’s be objective. It’s more pleasant and easier for me to accept that my obsessive thoughts are due to OCD than that my “schizotypal disorder” (the conclusion of the VLK, according to which they were written off) is not exactly about schizotypal, but something more “deep”. And it’s scary. Is it good? No. But, symptomatically, I’ve also had OCD since childhood.
Does this understanding make it easier for me? It does. I’m learning to live with myself as I am. And the further I go, the more important it is that not someone else can live with me, but me.
I’m comfortable with the people around me. Because I feel comfortable with them. Thank you…
Age
It is interesting that at the age of 16-18, if you take a boy and a girl, girls develop intellectually faster. Roughly speaking, a girl at this age is interested in older boys.
I’m sitting in my 36. I don’t care what girls 25-35 are interested in. At the same time, normal interlocutors for me are people 45+. Here you can have some laughs. And more serious conversations. Mutual support. This is even though interests are often different.
I don’t understand why it works this way, and I don’t want to try to understand.
OCD
Yesterday I lost an earring. In addition to ASD and ADHD, I also see signs of OCD in myself (like not walking on the intersection of tiles and the like). And so… I had two earrings. One was mine, the other was my ex’s. I had one in my ear and one in hers. I asked her to return it, because… it’s personal first of all (allocation of one’s own person). Second… there should be two of them! That is, you understand, right?..TWO! And she gave it back to me. And I had two of them! And now one! And she was my favorite. And I thought “I need to pierce another hole in the right one so that…
Wearing 2 pairs! TWO! PAIRS! And now the second pair is gone.
I should suffer for this. A lot. I planned to throw the one that was left in the Desna River. So that someone, in a month, would write somewhere in Kyiv “found an earring…maybe someone lost it?..” – a joke, when what. But I really thought “why do I need one?..”
But I resigned myself. Because well..one is better than nothing. Because only by moving away from the “typical reaction” can we, at least partially, suppress what we are…come to terms with ourselves. Learn to live…
Small steps, little by little…
Bastion of stability
I thought that with my ASD/ADHD, a partner is…first of all, one of the pillars of stability. That is, I feel comfortable that there is a person nearby with whom I can talk, share something with him/her, help with something. It is not for nothing that I have always perceived the very idea of relationships as a partnership – when each complements the life of the other and saturates it with their part of life. When you run to the store once again so that the other does not have to go for groceries, or you pick up something at auctions that might make him happy. And you know that this person will be pleased with this very thing.
My perception of being able to be with anyone is not that you don’t care what the person is like – but you don’t want to get tied down to something that will be the same “red flag”. Age, children, mortgage debt, etc. – you don’t care, because you are ready to close the person’s issues and help them in their life for the fact that they will give you the same sense of stability. Understanding what your home is, and what components it has.
That’s why you highlight among the qualities – that the person hears you. That all important issues are discussed. And not to hide something, because it creates discomfort in you. So it’s better to deal with any problem than to hide it from your partner.
Perhaps this is the simplest and most understandable relationship that can exist. Without the need for someone to constantly cook, clean, etc. But you also don’t want to carry it all on yourself. Because you’re tired of it all your life. You want to share life, not be its basis or main link.
The simpler what you need, the harder it is to find it.
Undoubtedly
Undoubtedly, we are accepted only by those people who are even worse off than we are…
Self-Isolation
Over time, you come to understand that the nature of the lack of fear of external stimuli (arrivals, alarms, war) is based on the fact that you are more internal stimuli. To put it simply, you are more afraid of yourself than of a conventional missile. Because a missile is conventional, and you are always with yourself. You do not know in what state you will wake up tomorrow. How you will relate to this or that person. What trigger will work and in relation to whom/what. And that is why in your life you are most afraid not of missiles, but of yourself.
Trying to come to terms with yourself, finding ways, negotiating. You are trying to put yourself in a “controlled state”, in which it would really be easier for you to be distracted by “general” problems, and not your own internal ones. But the war will end. And you will not. What is in the war, what is outside it – you have to learn to live with yourself. Find a comfortable job. A comfortable distance with people. A comfortable distance with the world. The whole world around you.