Thoughts

It’s interesting that…

Under the guise of accepting you as you are, people often subconsciously try to change you. Change you to suit themselves. They tell you “yes, that’s good. I accept you, but…” – and these little “buts” are not noticeable. They don’t sound like literal “buts”. They just resemble some kind of training. When your reality and your perception of yourself and what is “ok” and “not ok” are replaced with what is convenient for them. Inside you think that they accept you as you are. In fact, they are just imperceptibly turning you into something. Something that you were not yesterday.

Sometimes it feels like adult women are the most manipulative people who are tired of “looking for the one as is”, and… they just mold you or someone else into something that will best meet their requirements. If the mold doesn’t work out, they throw it away and go look for the next one. The experience with a psychologist is exactly how it is perceived now. It’s just that, again, the further you move away from the experience, the clearer it becomes what it was.

Can an adult woman accept you for who you are? There are two options. If she is a “simple” person (it’s not those who write that they are “simple”, it’s those who will tell you that 2 2=5) – she doesn’t care what you are like. If she clearly knows that 2 2=3 – they will make something out of you. Again, there is a stupid idea that some people go “to psychology” precisely for this. Not to understand themselves. Not to help others. To manipulate those in relation to whom it is convenient. To learn to “read” people on whom… you simply won’t waste your time. It’s like playing games with cheat codes.

Someone will say that he went into psychology to protect himself from manipulators, but… he doesn’t notice how he becomes one himself. Because he knows the specifics of the work of such people. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I try to stay away from people who have chosen this direction as a job. Understanding that you will be an eternal patient. A free experimental subject who is always there…

I have had the experience of being in a psychiatric hospital and I know what it is like – a feeling of helplessness, when nothing depends on your “want”. This is the most terrible feeling I have ever encountered. And it only seems that this is shown only in films. And when you are faced with this clearly – there is nothing more terrible…

Is a relationship with a psychologist about something similar? Is it hard to get out of it? Is it easy to let go of it?…I wouldn’t like to know…because, maybe, it’s for the best, that they perceived me as “weak” for them.

Wong Kar Wai

I had a person who ended up at the beginning of the year. I had a lot of people, but I don’t single them all out. I singled her out.

Because she had a wonderful work. She was one of those people who inspires me. Who gave me not new music, but a new favorite director – Wong Kar-wai. We only reconnected with her once. And I didn’t see the point in doing it a second time, or a third time. Why?

Because she didn’t understand me.

I have different creativity. At one moment it’s me:

In the second moment it’s me:

In the third moment, it’s me too:

It’s amazing how much you can be on the same wavelength with a person in one plane, and in another she writes to you, as if about some third person, “I don’t understand why you need to brag about this. Showing it to people… I have nothing against it when a person does it for themselves, but why for show”. Two out of two times our communication ended precisely at this moment – the understanding that a person will never accept you completely. She perceives you not even 1/3 (the first), but simply as someone who can give her love and warmth, but in relation to whom she cannot simply give her acceptance, that people are “..and such”.

I may be different, I look different, but I always remain myself. I am me. The one you talked to yesterday, the one who helped you with your chores yesterday, repaired your equipment, shared poems, cleaned your chimney, showed you an incredible sunset. Being different, I remain myself. In different guises. Maria Tchaikovsky came to mind.

“ I will be with you,
You can take my hands,

Always with you

No matter in what guise.”

The person left behind a list of wonderful films, including the works of the wonderful Hong Kong director Wong Kar-wai. I recommend watching his “In the Mood for Love”. And he also left behind the understanding that a person can be “okay” with free relationships, threesomes, same-sex love, and other similar experiments. You accept all this because you love a person for who they are. You accept any of their sides and worldview, except violence (they didn’t have this in them, but this is something that you can’t accept in others in relation to anyone). And they don’t give you the opportunity to be yourself.

Adult life is not always about mutual understanding between two people aged +-40.

The reality of dating in Ukraine

After a few weeks of “research,” I’ve come to a mixed opinion. About 4 out of 5 people on the platforms are not looking for relationships, but… support. Yes, yes. Exactly support.

I’ll say right away that I don’t do human experiments or research for the sake of research. I’m just used to observing trends that happen and watching how certain things happen. So it doesn’t mean that this was done for research without people’s consent. Just my own experience.

One person was morally exhausted from work and construction. As she herself would later say, she needed a strong person nearby who could support her. And this is quite logical, because living in this reality, in the fifth year of the war, anyone will need support.

The second person found herself in a reality where her hometown was constantly under shelling and she was forced to leave for another, safer place. A new place, a new life, a small child. I can bet that many people will see themselves in this example. Because, unfortunately, these are not isolated examples of people who are forced to change their place of residence from time to time. Not in search of a “happy life”, but simply in the desire to be in a more protected space. All of these people could go abroad, but they are Ukrainians – they want to stay at home, even though this “home” changes its location.

A few more people are looking, first of all, for friendly communication. And, sometimes, it is in communication that people find a thaw – in conversations about creativity, cinema, common hobbies. But one gets the feeling that all people are not thinking about the future that will come tomorrow. They live in the present, trying to find “available sources of nutrition” in other hearts.

Reality is changing dynamically, we are like those satellites on the surface of the planet – moving around the country, looking for a place where we will be at least a little calmer. What are the chances that two “satellites” will choose the same route? I think it is very relative. Because now each of us does not have a clear understanding of what to call our home. For someone it is another city, for someone it is another country. And that is why people are looking for support in someone close to them. In their native language. To get at least some stability.

The problem is that all people who live in the same conditions need the same support, and its resource is not unlimited. Therefore, we get a vicious circle of expectations that are not justified. People grow apart in search of not another person. Not a relationship. People go further to look for support from those from whom they have not yet received it.

What is dead cannot die.

Indeed. If a person gives up so quickly and does not want to make another attempt, this only indicates that the person needed you only as a strong part. But any person cannot be strong 24/7 and, from time to time, needs support himself. If a person does not understand and does not accept this, the question arises, do you need a person who is only ready to receive and not give anything in return? Relationships are always about two. About supporting each other. About understanding that everyone has their weaknesses at one point or another. About second chances. But she said her “no”.

Maybe I was more of a psychological experience for her than a person she would ever love. We’ll never know. But sometimes it’s better to end something like this early, before you get even more traumatized, than to believe that one day you’ll get from this person what you needed – mutual love and support.

Ps In a sense, this is my test of people. Internal. If a person does not want to make another attempt – they did not need the first one. If a person agrees to money – it was not the minutes of your interaction that were valuable to them, but at least some benefit, if they did not get exactly what they wanted. Even if it is under the guise of “it is not necessary”.

I think I’m imagining it?..

I catch myself in this state again when I realize that it’s all just in my head. I’m again not correctly perceiving other people’s emotions. Maybe it’s empathy, maybe interest in certain aspects of a person. But no more. And I can step on the same rake again if I perceive something differently. The world doesn’t work in my image and likeness. All people are different and not like me. In general, this should be perceived as “if I think something is like this – it means it’s not like this, but completely different”. And now is the moment when you should catch it.

I like to substitute my values ​​into the formula instead of “X” and “Y”, getting the results that would satisfy me. But you have to remember that I am always “insufficient”. For other people, something in me is always not enough for something to happen. At such moments you are most vulnerable, and every little thing can knock you off track. Are you ready for this time?..

It would be strange for me, at least once, to meet someone just like me. No games. No substitutions of the desired for the real. A person who would believe me. But can you be believed if, sometimes, you don’t believe yourself?..Your openness is killing you. It kills anything, because people don’t like openness. They need a mystery. A secret that they will want to find in you. Something personal that remains inside…

“Talk to me, talk to me
Won’t you make it all make sense?
Caught between the memories
Of yesterday and who we were back then
But I’ve been here before
So I think I know the score
Hit me when I’m sore..”

Rat race

Sometimes the interaction of two people resembles a race. As in sports or dance, there is one who leads and one who allows himself to be led. That is, two diverse forces. Let’s turn to physics. If two forces move at different speeds, but one of the forces makes a jump, does this mean that they will align and continue their journey side by side? I will answer right away – no.

The thing is that the impulse we give to an object is not a fixed unit. There was once a girl I liked. But the problem (from my point of view) was that I didn’t have money for flowers and stuff. You could have asked her if she needed them, but you learn from how the universe works, from other people’s experiences, because it’s shown in movies or described in books. So you make these flowers an important part of the relationship. Reasoning has led to the fact that it’s not a problem to go to work and earn money. The problem is that there are certain elements that, from the starting position, on your part, require action from you. Reasoning moves into the plane of “but if a person doesn’t need you without these actions, then a person doesn’t need you, but what these actions will give them.”

In general, it resembles buying a phone. When you look at a model in a store for $500, and a model $30 more expensive is better, and $50 more expensive is even better. And now you no longer think about the one that cost $500, but you admire the one that is a “dream model”, but costs $580. And you buy it. Translating this into a more understandable plane – by increasing your speed, or value, you, at the same time, reduce the speed/value of another object that you are trying to catch up with. That is, it, in your understanding, depreciates.

Basically, being in different conditions, the two forces cannot coexist side by side. Either the first will constantly pull the second forward, or the second will stop the first from moving forward.

This takes me back to 2007. You can love endlessly and dissolve in a person, finding in them a whole universe, and dividing the world in which you live into two halves. Equal for each. But as in yesterday’s story about different planes, here it is the same – your universes coexist only in one plane – of thoughts and communication. An attempt to go beyond the boundaries of communication ends fatally, because you understand the difference of these very worlds. It’s about some things that you cannot agree with, because they were not built into your “firmware”.

As in any other case, I ask myself the question – could it be otherwise? Is there some neutral side? A neutral territory where two energies can coexist? It reminds me, for some reason, of the life of a conditional stewardess and a plumber. When the first knows that she can return home. That there is a fixed term “home”. Where it is cozy. Where she is always expected. Where there is food, there are freshly cut flowers on the table. Because Mario grows them in the winter garden. The second knows that he needs to maintain this very comfort. It is not for nothing that Mario is given as an example here – he has to watch “the castle for the princess”.

In 2007, we were both 17. And you had one perception. Now…at 17 you look for reasons, at 36 you look for ways. You don’t want to believe that the world is flat and any situation has only 1 solution. The question is whether this solution is necessary only for you.

Random fact

I have always had it easier with people who are not accepted by society, because such people accepted me. I accept people as they are. Any. Except for those who commit violence against others. They should burn in hell, of course. In turn, this unspoken rule applies to me too – you don’t need to wear a mask. You are just who you are.

Therefore, “your people”, or “your person” – will always come across your path. No matter how long or short it may be. Just look not among those who do not understand – but among those who are on the same wavelength.