After viewing
Saint Creature Yesterday’s film sparked renewed thoughts about why the world is the way it is.thou Read More
people
I don`t try to find my place…
..in a diary of Jane,, Read More
Toxic relationships
We finished watching the series The Outlaws, and it led me to a certain reflection related to people.
The series showed a toxic relationship between a girl who was smart, but had a “hobby” of stealing something, and a guy who was less fortunate in life and wanted a quiet life instead of survival. And so their acquaintance led to the fact that she became a kind of “adrenaline junkie” who constantly wanted thrills, and the guy, on the contrary, tried to avoid problems with the law and in general. The story of the relationship ended with her leaving him, getting off the train before it was sent, and he left “for a new life”. Six months later they met – she, with a bunch of problems and he, in the life he aspired to. And then, suddenly, she remembers that she is “extremely in love with him”, but he has the sense not to continue the relationship with her, but to build a new one with a person who suits him better. What thoughts did all this make me think?
With a certain periodicity, you scroll through your head the thought of why you don’t continue communicating with people you once liked? Inspired you, caused some feelings? That is, there is some kind of seed living in you that believes (or simply perceives from memories) that your life would be better if you resumed communication “with someone from…”. But something stops you from doing this. And I think it is understanding. First of all, understanding the fact that your paths diverged (mostly) not even because of you. So there is nothing to turn back, because each person simply went their own way at a certain time. But…
Having your “ears” you hear that these “bells are not one-sided.” And this is where we are caught up in this same story from the series, when you tell the hero “well…well I hope you won’t do this stupid thing?..because I’ll stop respecting you”, only the hero is you.
I know that things that were in the past should stay there. But the healthy half understands this. I think that every person consists of another part besides it – the emotional part, multiplied by the memory part. That is, your subconscious says “but memories and emotions can’t deceive you” – and they really do. They don’t deceive, because there, at 15-17-20 years old, you experienced feelings that were for the first time in your life. Apparently, this is what draws you to them. As for reality – during this time you managed to get burned many times after that, and you can’t throw the opposite experience out of your memory either. This is what stops you.
In one song they sang “we will never be younger than today”. I think this applies to people too – because we will never be the same as we once were. So the emotions will be different every time. And I think the emotions that we can get from new people can be even brighter than those that can happen when communicating with someone old.
It remains to somehow convey all this to your brain.
The divergence of planets
If you imagine our life as a universe, and people as planets – over time, different bodies approach each other, and then, on the contrary, move away. And you, literally with your own hands, see how this happens around you. How people with whom you saw a common vision and things begin to perceive differently what you do. And you come to understand that your worlds, or the universe, are changing. Everyone changes at a different speed. Is this critical?
I used to be very sad because of the thoughts that something could change, you could stop communicating with someone, someone could disappear from your life. Now there is an understanding that in most cases there are those who are “here and now”. You either become related to them and move on, or… everyone has their own path and their own universe.
Perhaps this was the perception earlier that with moving, people and contacts that were there would be lost. Because you will become useless to anyone on the one hand, and on the other – everyone will become useless to you. You will have a new circle of friends, new faces around you. Your own reality. And this is more of a plus than a minus. Because the new reality will perceive you as new. From my feed on Facebook, I see how they don’t perceive me and I see that this me is not needed by those who needed that one. And there haven’t been any major changes yet. I haven’t had a few more piercings in my other ear, tattoos, and in general, most of me still lives “behind the screen”.
I just want to live and not think about how people will perceive your appearance or your creativity. So as not to even bother with all this… that’s why I want to move…
Good thing
I decided to do a good deed – to pay a commission for one work on Deviant. I remembered how nice it is when you get a message that something has been purchased from you. Even if it’s something insignificant. It supports and inspires. Let this be a good start for this person. This artist 🙂
Hard start
The year started hard because…for two weeks in a row, every day someone needs something. Few people are interested in how I’m doing and whether I need something, but everyone wants something from me. Some help, advice, so that I can do something for them. And, to be honest, I’m already burned out on helping someone with something. I want a person. I want communication. I want sincere interest. So that we mutually feed each other with inspiration and…I don’t know. I want to receive and give love, so that the main idea of the interaction between me and the person is this love itself. Do I want too much? Probably…
I want to disappear from this city and this country, and be where I will be the only one who decides who I want to help and who not. I don’t want to be convenient. I want to be out of reach. So that no one can not recommend me, not contact me, no, not even ask me something.
I will grit my teeth on that move, just so that it happens and I end up in another place where they don’t know me. Where I won’t be convenient for everyone and everyone. I want to help, but I want my boundaries to be clearly understood. So that no calls after 9 and until, at least, 10.
Our cat can be pampered, but she knows the limit. She knows that when she has the strength and time – she can climb into bed in the morning and get her dose of attention and love. When she wants to play with a ball – we go and start playing tennis. To give her attention. But she clearly knows when we shouldn’t climb, shouldn’t be bothered, and in general it’s better not to touch. She’s a cat. She’s an animal. So why don’t people who are visually similar to us have the same understanding?..
Each evening has its own plan
Every evening, when my time comes, I have my own plan for it. That is, I plan what I will do for the next few hours. Sometimes it is posting photos on websites, sometimes repairing something. I have plans to film a video of repairing a camera and this will probably be the first video on the channel. The first video for an article. This is a laborious process, so I put it off until last. Today I restored the battery of a screwdriver. The process went well, although it was the first time. I also managed to shoot a micro-video with a tentacle for a post on the main blog and also took a few photos with it. But that’s not what this is about.
I planned these thoughts, and I’m trying to collect them. I found a person, and it almost ended with a breakdown in the spirit of “deleting Facebook” (well… you know. I have this happen to me. Or not? Oh…). But I didn’t. Because it’s pointless now. I think the best option is to develop these relationships. For many reasons “why”. It is appropriate to mention Placebo:
“Time will help you through
But it doesn’t have the time
To give you all the answers
To the never-ending why”
I can’t explain why you shouldn’t impose yourself on someone. Maybe that’s why it’s perceived as an imposition? I think so.
I don’t deserve new people with my current perception of other people. Because I think more than usual about what I can get “in the near future”. But the question should be asked differently – what can I give? And this is the main question that I can’t answer.
The other side of the question has always been that people need exactly the little that you can give – sincere interest, words of encouragement. When you are interested in what a person writes simply because you are really interested.
An eternal struggle with myself. I am learning to be a Creature. Not to make the mistakes that I would have made before, and to listen more to my inner voice.
Alcohol like a sex..
I caught myself thinking that for me, drinking with someone…stranger is like having sex with just anyone. That is, you can, but why? While promoting the topic “why doesn’t everyone sleep with everyone”, I came to the conclusion that there is no point in this. For example, you can catch some kind of disease. A person can be sloppy (in your understanding), a person can be interested “in themselves”. A person can behave in a way that we find unpleasant. It’s just that in sex there are more “animal” instincts, and then there is the very essence of alcohol as such. So, to the idea that you shouldn’t sleep with just anyone, you come to another – that, respecting yourself, you also shouldn’t drink with people you don’t…respect? Probably.
As Dasha once said – “a person is not my level”. Well, apparently, in this interpretation, it is somewhere like that.
I like unpopular people. It’s easier with them.
It’s easier to be friends with them. It’s easier to communicate with them. Read More
Waves
In general, I didn’t want to write these thoughts here. Because, in a sense, these are thoughts about the past. But writing them where it was done before is also not the best idea. So… Read More