EXP Date
Saint Creature Why are we always looking for signs?..why do the numbers on the packaging decide more than we do?.. Read More
personal
Reflections
I came to the conclusion that the things I do at one time or another are not accidental. They are the result of internal reflections. That is, somewhere inside, I made a decision, and it is visualized in the form of certain thoughts, on the basis of which I begin to understand what exactly I wanted to say to all that. First of all, to myself. And I felt myself.
I deleted two applications. Out of four. Because I don’t want to search. Because this is my perception, when…the choice is made?..there is some inner thought that it was made on both sides. It was not voiced, but. That this is the same option when you feel comfortable. From words, thoughts. Sometimes strange, sometimes surprising. Without double meanings, but with caution.
Time will tell how it will be. But for now I need to get 4 hours of sleep.. 🙂
Who do you need, who do you love?..
..When you come undone.. Read More
It’s interesting that…
Under the guise of accepting you as you are, people often subconsciously try to change you. Change you to suit themselves. They tell you “yes, that’s good. I accept you, but…” – and these little “buts” are not noticeable. They don’t sound like literal “buts”. They just resemble some kind of training. When your reality and your perception of yourself and what is “ok” and “not ok” are replaced with what is convenient for them. Inside you think that they accept you as you are. In fact, they are just imperceptibly turning you into something. Something that you were not yesterday.
Sometimes it feels like adult women are the most manipulative people who are tired of “looking for the one as is”, and… they just mold you or someone else into something that will best meet their requirements. If the mold doesn’t work out, they throw it away and go look for the next one. The experience with a psychologist is exactly how it is perceived now. It’s just that, again, the further you move away from the experience, the clearer it becomes what it was.
Can an adult woman accept you for who you are? There are two options. If she is a “simple” person (it’s not those who write that they are “simple”, it’s those who will tell you that 2 2=5) – she doesn’t care what you are like. If she clearly knows that 2 2=3 – they will make something out of you. Again, there is a stupid idea that some people go “to psychology” precisely for this. Not to understand themselves. Not to help others. To manipulate those in relation to whom it is convenient. To learn to “read” people on whom… you simply won’t waste your time. It’s like playing games with cheat codes.
Someone will say that he went into psychology to protect himself from manipulators, but… he doesn’t notice how he becomes one himself. Because he knows the specifics of the work of such people. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I try to stay away from people who have chosen this direction as a job. Understanding that you will be an eternal patient. A free experimental subject who is always there…
I have had the experience of being in a psychiatric hospital and I know what it is like – a feeling of helplessness, when nothing depends on your “want”. This is the most terrible feeling I have ever encountered. And it only seems that this is shown only in films. And when you are faced with this clearly – there is nothing more terrible…
Is a relationship with a psychologist about something similar? Is it hard to get out of it? Is it easy to let go of it?…I wouldn’t like to know…because, maybe, it’s for the best, that they perceived me as “weak” for them.
A difficult year
The post is filled with a bunch of red flags, so… it’s not recommended for anyone to read.
Wong Kar Wai
I had a person who ended up at the beginning of the year. I had a lot of people, but I don’t single them all out. I singled her out.
Because she had a wonderful work. She was one of those people who inspires me. Who gave me not new music, but a new favorite director – Wong Kar-wai. We only reconnected with her once. And I didn’t see the point in doing it a second time, or a third time. Why?
Because she didn’t understand me.
I have different creativity. At one moment it’s me:
In the second moment it’s me:
In the third moment, it’s me too:
It’s amazing how much you can be on the same wavelength with a person in one plane, and in another she writes to you, as if about some third person, “I don’t understand why you need to brag about this. Showing it to people… I have nothing against it when a person does it for themselves, but why for show”. Two out of two times our communication ended precisely at this moment – the understanding that a person will never accept you completely. She perceives you not even 1/3 (the first), but simply as someone who can give her love and warmth, but in relation to whom she cannot simply give her acceptance, that people are “..and such”.
I may be different, I look different, but I always remain myself. I am me. The one you talked to yesterday, the one who helped you with your chores yesterday, repaired your equipment, shared poems, cleaned your chimney, showed you an incredible sunset. Being different, I remain myself. In different guises. Maria Tchaikovsky came to mind.
“ I will be with you,
You can take my hands,
Always with you
No matter in what guise.”
The person left behind a list of wonderful films, including the works of the wonderful Hong Kong director Wong Kar-wai. I recommend watching his “In the Mood for Love”. And he also left behind the understanding that a person can be “okay” with free relationships, threesomes, same-sex love, and other similar experiments. You accept all this because you love a person for who they are. You accept any of their sides and worldview, except violence (they didn’t have this in them, but this is something that you can’t accept in others in relation to anyone). And they don’t give you the opportunity to be yourself.
Adult life is not always about mutual understanding between two people aged +-40.
I think I’m imagining it?..
I catch myself in this state again when I realize that it’s all just in my head. I’m again not correctly perceiving other people’s emotions. Maybe it’s empathy, maybe interest in certain aspects of a person. But no more. And I can step on the same rake again if I perceive something differently. The world doesn’t work in my image and likeness. All people are different and not like me. In general, this should be perceived as “if I think something is like this – it means it’s not like this, but completely different”. And now is the moment when you should catch it.
I like to substitute my values into the formula instead of “X” and “Y”, getting the results that would satisfy me. But you have to remember that I am always “insufficient”. For other people, something in me is always not enough for something to happen. At such moments you are most vulnerable, and every little thing can knock you off track. Are you ready for this time?..
It would be strange for me, at least once, to meet someone just like me. No games. No substitutions of the desired for the real. A person who would believe me. But can you be believed if, sometimes, you don’t believe yourself?..Your openness is killing you. It kills anything, because people don’t like openness. They need a mystery. A secret that they will want to find in you. Something personal that remains inside…
“Talk to me, talk to me
Won’t you make it all make sense?
Caught between the memories
Of yesterday and who we were back then
But I’ve been here before
So I think I know the score
Hit me when I’m sore..”
Those we love the most, with every moment, less and less..
A couple of weeks ago, a bright person passed away – my cousin Oleksandr. I would like to remember him a little… Read More
Home’s the same, but I’m not..
Covered in the blood of all the shadows that I fought
If I’m the one left standing, why does it feel like I lost?
And though it knocks me down, I get back up
I wanna change, I’ve had enough Read More