personal

Perfect Parts

We lose our “perfect parts” throughout our lives. For normal people, it’s probably nothing, but when you’re a perfectionist, it’s like cutting off pieces from a whole person.

Once, as a child, at least as I remember it, I was thrown into a car. More precisely, a car with a cut-off roof. I’m not sure if it was the first injury in my life, but that’s how I got my scar on my left leg and my first four stitches on my body.

Another incident was related to the fact that, while at my grandmother’s, I climbed onto a pipe to call my mother. The reason? Strange and stupid. Ugh… I needed to wipe my ass. So don’t ask about age. My foot slipped off a pipe that was lying on the ground, and…so I got a wound in the scrotum, running into a rebar sticking out of the ground. Everything was sewn up and “put back in place”, but I ended up with another scar in a rather strange place.

The third incident also happened in my childhood. When I was going down a roller coaster. My older brother was having fun from below, who was sitting at its base. When I went down, I was scared that I would drive into him, and my finger got electrocuted between the metal pipe of the swing and the canvas, which was also made of metal. No, my finger wasn’t cut off then. But since then, another scar has been appearing on my little finger.

About 15 years ago, my nose was broken during the New Year holidays. Some bully, because we were relaxing in our informal party. They attacked us and…since then, my nose is the way it is.

Interestingly, throughout my youth I was more careful than before. So I didn’t get any special injuries (except for mental ones, of course). When I was 17, I had a varicocele cut out. About three stitches. But that doesn’t count.

It’s funny, but most of the injuries I got in the city where I live now. Once I almost put my eye out when I put a board on a stone, put a cherry tree on one side, and stepped on the other side with my foot. It’s funny now, but it wasn’t very good then. But it hit me right in the eye. It hurt. A lot. Sometimes it seemed to me that because of this, one of my eyes sees everything in more yellow tones, but over time I learned from the Internet that this is typical for many people.

In the same city, when I was 10-12, I probably filled a plastic bottle with gas from a lighter and… set it on fire. As a result, I had a burn on my finger, but it was relatively minor because it can’t be seen now.

There is a small scar on my left hand – and I remember exactly that it is from a watermelon. More precisely, from a knife that slipped off. Just like there is a scar on my other hand from the same place, which was obtained with an old knife that was used to cut nettles for chickens. I don’t remember exactly how I got that scar.

I have a scar on my eyebrow from hitting a door. It’s from my military days, when I hit my forehead against a wooden door in the dark.

One of the stupidest scars, or rather not scars, but an almost severed part of myself, I got when I was repairing a bicycle. I spun the wheel, tried to stop the disc brake with my hand, and my thumb got caught between the brake and the disc. The tip of my finger was almost cut off. But, thanks to Pavel, we got to the hospital, they treated the wound there and everything went well. I can’t quite feel this tip, but the finger looks like a normal one. It was he who became the reason for this post.


During life, we lose our “perfect parts”. We become destroyed. Not like others or as nature created us. I feel sad that certain parts of me will no longer be the way they should be. But I can’t do anything about it, so should I be sad about it? I’m still looking for an answer to the question of what cuts off parts from us more – iron, or negative experiences received from certain people? I lean more towards the second.

I have a lot of imperfect parts with which I have learned to live. I have come to terms with what they are. I once thought that if I lost even a part of myself – it would be better to die than to remain disabled. But if you think like that – you should have jumped off that bridge at 17, because that’s when I got my first serious disability.

There are many people in the world who are more beautiful than you or me. More perfect than us. But what of it? In a broader sense? It doesn’t make them more important than us. More beautiful (in a broader sense) than us. Better or anything else. Everyone just has their own path, just like everyone was born under certain conditions, in a certain place, and in a certain family. It’s not scary that you may not be rich, or have some flaws – the main thing is not to make these flaws the meaning of your life. Not to focus on them and not to attach more importance to them. My camera is worn out, but it still takes great pictures. I’m worn out too, and sometimes I do great things. It doesn’t depend on my physical condition.

Fun Fiction

Once, in a conversation with her about her feelings after moving, she quoted the movie “Green Book”. In general, the term “Green Book” itself is about a guide for black people, which lists safe places where they could stay for the night. And, in fact, the quote from the movie sounded like “I’m not black enough for blacks and not white enough for whites”. And today I somehow tried it on myself. Apparently, I’m not straight enough for straight, but also not enough…anyone else for someone? Apparently. I don’t use “them/they” in everyday life, not in general. I don’t want to get hung up on something like that. Sometimes I think about what it’s like to be with someone of the same sex, but the problem is that in our country, men are not about sexuality, but about dirt, sloppiness, an unpleasant smell. That is, you can’t somehow visualize this character, if only because you simply don’t have any source from which to draw.

When I put, for example, people I know – the picture comes out too stupid, to be honest. Because I don’t like these people. They don’t evoke anything in me. In my life, there have probably only been a few people who would evoke something. But usually they are very distant.

I don’t want to speculate about anything. As life goes on, so it will be. I guess I’m just too picky. I guess these are strange considerations from a married man. But I perceive it all differently. It’s like a fan fiction for some story.

So hit me when I’m sore..

Few artists make me roar when I hear something so great. But…they did it. Twice.

Give me this stick, this heart and his pants – and no one will get hurt…

“Everybody’s talking about it 
Makes it pretty hard to doubt it
Need a minute but I’m surrounded 

Friends are coming at me like vultures
How come nobody ever told ya? 
I wouldn’t show your face ’til it’s over 

But I’ve been here before 
So hit me when I’m sore (I’m sore).”

Cherchez la femme

Je suis obsédé par les femmes, même si je devrais l’être par les hommes.

The stupidest thing is to seek salvation from one woman in another. Even if it’s virtual and imaginary. The only salvation in a woman is in myself, in my other half, in creativity. But I was too busy with work and closing the main debt of my life right now – and it wasn’t up to that.

I think I should pay less attention to women. Any. Men too, probably, but that’s something else. You know, when you’re successful, certain people start to join you. Or rather, they try to join. They give you their money, try to become a part of what you are. To snatch a piece of you. Don’t take it literally, it’s not about me or the story of my life. I just feel that I now have that core. There is a strong foundation that moves this whole mechanism further. I’m becoming more and more visible in the place where I am. I don’t really like it, because there’s less time left for my own things. But something has to feed me – and this is it.

I need contact, but limited. And what’s funnier is that now I understand that any communication can easily become “mine”. That is, I can start communicating freely with anyone. But do I need it? People take up too much time, and that’s why I don’t always find time to answer Aaron right away. I’m sad about it, because I allocate a separate place for him in my life. Like others who read this blog. I just know that they exist (ha-ha, statistics don’t lie. Just kidding). I love you all, and you are my core. Because you are here. With me. You see me, thoughts, creativity. And I thank you for that.

Today I received a mount for the background and immediately lost the desire to throw it on sale. Something like 17 dollars for a thing that costs about 70 in the store. I wouldn’t give 70 for creativity, but 17 is quite normal.

Over time, I will get myself a full-frame Sony of the old model. Without a touch screen, electronic shutter. I want to feel this camera. This system. Understand it, as I once met Panasonic and understood it – my beloved GX7. It was not my first camera from Panasonic, but it was he who made me fall in love with this system. I am not sure that I will ever be able to give up Panasonic and its filters. But I want to try Sony. Was it for nothing that I once thought that they were the same company?)))
Sony is like a sub-part of Panasonic, or Panasonic as a cheaper line of Sony. Funny.

I love you, friends. And I am not talking about cameras now 😉

Quiet Loneliness

Despite the fact that I am surrounded by many people every day, I feel lonely. Perhaps the advantage of those relationships was that I didn’t feel it, but what difference does it make when loneliness is the result of those relationships?

I immerse myself in work, household chores. There are more than enough of them now. I live by finding myself in something. When my grandmother passed away, my dad told someone that when you work, you don’t really think about the fact that she is no longer there, so it’s easier that way. It’s more or less the same with me.

I don’t try to analyze this situation anymore, because everything happened as it should have happened and it couldn’t have been any other way. In a sense, I am now isolated from people and don’t even want to have any short conversations with anyone. I also can’t find time for creativity right now, so my social interaction is at a minimum. Am I upset about it? Probably not either. Because what I create is still interesting only to me.

I buy some things for creativity and ask myself – why do I need it? For what? You will not go beyond the boundaries of your essence and your body, so is there any point in that? And it is difficult to answer this question. Sa is silent. Just watching from the sidelines what will happen next, and plans to solve problems and issues after the fact.

In a strange way, Kuzya dreamed today. There are people who are used to living in constant unstable relationships with someone. But I would not want to be the one who creates this very instability. This resonates with the fact that I followed her on Instagram, but she does not lead it anymore, so…


There are moments in our lives when we are weaker than at other times. I have found myself in terms of work, but at the same time, I feel that something is missing.

Now we need to close the issue of the house and the “working year”. Then there will be autumn, winter, rest. Time will tell. Time will bring something…