personal

Come to your senses

In the Ukrainian language there is a word “схаменутись”, which in English sounds like “to come to your senses”. It sometimes reminds me of Chinese, when one word in one language conveys more depth than a few words in another. It’s like just kissing someone instead of a few words, conveying the whole essence of the thought.

I was wondering the other day if this isn’t my stopping point. Isn’t it the moment, isn’t it the environment? Aren’t it the people around me when I should come to my senses and stop searching? And here you can say that this is the beginning and the end. Because you can’t stop and stop life at some point. The world is dynamic. It decides what you will have and when and with whom. The world exists in many planes simultaneously, where each person has their own universe, the events in which affect other universes. To convey the idea more clearly – it’s like the moment when you study in college and you have friends, a company. Over time, you graduate and everyone runs away. The number of variables becomes such that you can’t physically continue to exist in the same plane. In this sense, it’s funny to watch stories from movies, when there is such a term as “college friends”, who interact even after a decade or a half. I wonder, do you, readers of this blog, have many friends from college or university? Huh?..

You can see the whole universe in a person or anything, but usually the more you see in someone, the further they become from you. So you should always keep some distance. You should always have backup options. You should always remember that the world is too changeable to believe in anything in the plane of time. And while some people think about how infinite the universe as a whole is, I narrow it down to the people around you, and try to understand how these small bodies work. Because only by understanding where it all begins can you find out how it all ends.

 

Only happy when…

There are several interesting facts related to each other. The first of them was that this song/work was dedicated to her. In the full sense. It sounded something like “I’m happy only when we communicate”. I guess I should admit it.

The second interesting fact is that I am still blocked on Devi. Yes, I got curious, I checked – now I am blocked. And for some reason this makes me happy. Because it connects all the dots and no “accidentally liked”. It’s convenient when you are not the one who blocks. So as not to save it somewhere in the lists.

The third is “replacement syndrome”. Because I completely replaced the person who disappeared from my life with others. With someone I communicate pleasantly and share a worldview. With someone we are mutually inspired by creativity, and this is valuable. I love them and what they create.

I have come a long way and am leaving this sadness behind. With a pure heart and a sense of completion. When a person doesn’t just appear in your life by some random chance. So…now I’m “happy not only when it rains”.

I hate

It’s interesting that one of the last, if not the last, posts of the year will be about hate.

I caught myself thinking that I hate the fact that when I look at certain people who either organized a concert for themselves (meaning their own), or something else. And you understand that they were able to do it because they have some acquaintances or friends who helped them do it. In other words, they have this “shoulder” that you have never had in your life.

They say that in a relationship, someone loves, and someone allows themselves to be loved – and sometimes it feels like everything works the same with someone’s help. There are those who help someone, and it’s you, and there are those who just need your help. They are simply not created to help you yourself, even in some small way. Simply because they are not created.

If you look at it more broadly. From the angle that everything in life is based on love – even if it is “blind fanaticism”, it follows that if a person does not love you – they will not want to help you with anything. Because when you love someone – you try to do everything for them. And it turns out that no one loves you.

Every time I catch myself thinking that our relationships (family) are based on that. That for the most part, you can only rely on yourself. There are occasional people who sincerely try to help you, but in a general sense, it doesn’t work that way. With the feeling that you were simply not born with some kind of golden spoon up your ass.

That’s exactly why I’m so attached to people like Kasia, who somehow reacted positively to what I was creating – and that’s it. It seems to you that at least someone has appreciated what others have devalued. And you start clinging to such people. To make an icon out of them.

There is a sense of hopelessness when you realize that there is no solution to all this. Simply because everyone has their own path in life. And if you really can’t touch someone with something that they will like – your path is the path of a loner.

This is sad..

Perfect Parts

We lose our “perfect parts” throughout our lives. For normal people, it’s probably nothing, but when you’re a perfectionist, it’s like cutting off pieces from a whole person.

Once, as a child, at least as I remember it, I was thrown into a car. More precisely, a car with a cut-off roof. I’m not sure if it was the first injury in my life, but that’s how I got my scar on my left leg and my first four stitches on my body.

Another incident was related to the fact that, while at my grandmother’s, I climbed onto a pipe to call my mother. The reason? Strange and stupid. Ugh… I needed to wipe my ass. So don’t ask about age. My foot slipped off a pipe that was lying on the ground, and…so I got a wound in the scrotum, running into a rebar sticking out of the ground. Everything was sewn up and “put back in place”, but I ended up with another scar in a rather strange place.

The third incident also happened in my childhood. When I was going down a roller coaster. My older brother was having fun from below, who was sitting at its base. When I went down, I was scared that I would drive into him, and my finger got electrocuted between the metal pipe of the swing and the canvas, which was also made of metal. No, my finger wasn’t cut off then. But since then, another scar has been appearing on my little finger.

About 15 years ago, my nose was broken during the New Year holidays. Some bully, because we were relaxing in our informal party. They attacked us and…since then, my nose is the way it is.

Interestingly, throughout my youth I was more careful than before. So I didn’t get any special injuries (except for mental ones, of course). When I was 17, I had a varicocele cut out. About three stitches. But that doesn’t count.

It’s funny, but most of the injuries I got in the city where I live now. Once I almost put my eye out when I put a board on a stone, put a cherry tree on one side, and stepped on the other side with my foot. It’s funny now, but it wasn’t very good then. But it hit me right in the eye. It hurt. A lot. Sometimes it seemed to me that because of this, one of my eyes sees everything in more yellow tones, but over time I learned from the Internet that this is typical for many people.

In the same city, when I was 10-12, I probably filled a plastic bottle with gas from a lighter and… set it on fire. As a result, I had a burn on my finger, but it was relatively minor because it can’t be seen now.

There is a small scar on my left hand – and I remember exactly that it is from a watermelon. More precisely, from a knife that slipped off. Just like there is a scar on my other hand from the same place, which was obtained with an old knife that was used to cut nettles for chickens. I don’t remember exactly how I got that scar.

I have a scar on my eyebrow from hitting a door. It’s from my military days, when I hit my forehead against a wooden door in the dark.

One of the stupidest scars, or rather not scars, but an almost severed part of myself, I got when I was repairing a bicycle. I spun the wheel, tried to stop the disc brake with my hand, and my thumb got caught between the brake and the disc. The tip of my finger was almost cut off. But, thanks to Pavel, we got to the hospital, they treated the wound there and everything went well. I can’t quite feel this tip, but the finger looks like a normal one. It was he who became the reason for this post.


During life, we lose our “perfect parts”. We become destroyed. Not like others or as nature created us. I feel sad that certain parts of me will no longer be the way they should be. But I can’t do anything about it, so should I be sad about it? I’m still looking for an answer to the question of what cuts off parts from us more – iron, or negative experiences received from certain people? I lean more towards the second.

I have a lot of imperfect parts with which I have learned to live. I have come to terms with what they are. I once thought that if I lost even a part of myself – it would be better to die than to remain disabled. But if you think like that – you should have jumped off that bridge at 17, because that’s when I got my first serious disability.

There are many people in the world who are more beautiful than you or me. More perfect than us. But what of it? In a broader sense? It doesn’t make them more important than us. More beautiful (in a broader sense) than us. Better or anything else. Everyone just has their own path, just like everyone was born under certain conditions, in a certain place, and in a certain family. It’s not scary that you may not be rich, or have some flaws – the main thing is not to make these flaws the meaning of your life. Not to focus on them and not to attach more importance to them. My camera is worn out, but it still takes great pictures. I’m worn out too, and sometimes I do great things. It doesn’t depend on my physical condition.

Fun Fiction

Once, in a conversation with her about her feelings after moving, she quoted the movie “Green Book”. In general, the term “Green Book” itself is about a guide for black people, which lists safe places where they could stay for the night. And, in fact, the quote from the movie sounded like “I’m not black enough for blacks and not white enough for whites”. And today I somehow tried it on myself. Apparently, I’m not straight enough for straight, but also not enough…anyone else for someone? Apparently. I don’t use “them/they” in everyday life, not in general. I don’t want to get hung up on something like that. Sometimes I think about what it’s like to be with someone of the same sex, but the problem is that in our country, men are not about sexuality, but about dirt, sloppiness, an unpleasant smell. That is, you can’t somehow visualize this character, if only because you simply don’t have any source from which to draw.

When I put, for example, people I know – the picture comes out too stupid, to be honest. Because I don’t like these people. They don’t evoke anything in me. In my life, there have probably only been a few people who would evoke something. But usually they are very distant.

I don’t want to speculate about anything. As life goes on, so it will be. I guess I’m just too picky. I guess these are strange considerations from a married man. But I perceive it all differently. It’s like a fan fiction for some story.

So hit me when I’m sore..

Few artists make me roar when I hear something so great. But…they did it. Twice.

Give me this stick, this heart and his pants – and no one will get hurt…

“Everybody’s talking about it 
Makes it pretty hard to doubt it
Need a minute but I’m surrounded 

Friends are coming at me like vultures
How come nobody ever told ya? 
I wouldn’t show your face ’til it’s over 

But I’ve been here before 
So hit me when I’m sore (I’m sore).”