I’m feeling like an empty room…
Saint Creature ..And everyone can see right through Read More
thoughts
A little busy
I’m always ashamed when I come back home (here, in the And) and see that I haven’t written or shared my thoughts in a long time. I’ve been rehabilitating my back, got a job, tomorrow is the end of the first week. Oh. It’s been a long time since I worked somewhere with a schedule, but everything is going easier and better than it seemed. They give me the necessary level of freedom, I give my opportunities. Somehow everything happens. Right now it’s cold here, the temperature outside is close to zero, in places it’s snowing and lying, there’s no heating at work, so we’re working in survival mode until it gets warmer. There I’ll be able to close work issues and hope that then there will be time for my thoughts on the blog and that these thoughts will be in my head, because for now it’s empty.
The week was hard and almost every day at the end of the working day I went somewhere else, returning home closer to 8-9 pm. It’s harder than the work itself. But I’m coping.
I would like to do more, but I don’t have time for that right now. It’s funny, but I was (sort of) blocked on Tumblr, so…fuck it. I don’t really need it. There was no promotion there.
Now I have to check everything by money, because there are certain expenses and there is no way to earn steadily right now. Moreover, one work account was blocked, so there were even bigger problems with money. In general, I just try not to pay attention to everything and live until the moment when everything will be easier because either something will fall apart, or additional sources of income will be found. I’m going to look for goods and sleep, because right now this is more important than anything else. I hope to write a couple of posts on the main blog soon. I love you all. See you soon 🙂
In all this desperation I fear there’s nothing I could say to win this fight
Cause you hesitate much more than I could ever estimateAnd that’s alright?.. Read More
After viewing
Yesterday’s film sparked renewed thoughts about why the world is the way it is.thou Read More
I don`t try to find my place…
..in a diary of Jane,, Read More
Unfathomable fear
Lately I have been haunted by an incomprehensible fear. That something will go wrong, or the beginning of something new, like the treatment I am currently undergoing. When I was admitted to the hospital in the morning and I was uncomfortable that my bike was left somewhere near the entrance, and I myself did not know how long I would be in the hospital. Fear of a new job. Fear that there will be no time for creativity. Fear of losing some opportunity that seems to be “still there”. Many fears.
I think I need a break. From all this…
Mother told me
My mother told me a funny thing today. In my opinion, funny. Like “when you work and no one will say that you don’t work and you won’t “prick anyone’s eyes” with this”. But I thought that this is the least anyone would reproach me for. Let’s make a list:
– I am a person who increasingly indicates a “neutral” gender;
– I like furry art, and I have a collection of strange sex toys;
– I take strange photos, including of myself, and I hide it less and less;
– I consider the idea of a relationship between three people of any sex and gender to be normal, if people find in each other what they lack;
– I will probably be the only man in the city where I live now who has not just one, but both ears pierced.
I think that this list already indicates things that should be more questions than whether I work or not. And how exactly. However, I see that if you show the world what it can get from you – it increasingly closes its eyes to your peculiarities, because you are perceived comprehensively. That is, with all your pluses and minuses. I fight for my right to exist where I am, with what I can. That is probably why I am interested in everything at once. I want to be able to do and know everything.
In life, always do two, but take one. That is, you take two steps for the benefit of someone and one for the benefit of yourself. In this way, you will have to be perceived as you are. Simply because two steps forward are better seen than one step back.
If an eccentric person does something, and others do nothing – then he will be eccentric in himself, because he does something when others do not.
Toxic relationships
We finished watching the series The Outlaws, and it led me to a certain reflection related to people.
The series showed a toxic relationship between a girl who was smart, but had a “hobby” of stealing something, and a guy who was less fortunate in life and wanted a quiet life instead of survival. And so their acquaintance led to the fact that she became a kind of “adrenaline junkie” who constantly wanted thrills, and the guy, on the contrary, tried to avoid problems with the law and in general. The story of the relationship ended with her leaving him, getting off the train before it was sent, and he left “for a new life”. Six months later they met – she, with a bunch of problems and he, in the life he aspired to. And then, suddenly, she remembers that she is “extremely in love with him”, but he has the sense not to continue the relationship with her, but to build a new one with a person who suits him better. What thoughts did all this make me think?
With a certain periodicity, you scroll through your head the thought of why you don’t continue communicating with people you once liked? Inspired you, caused some feelings? That is, there is some kind of seed living in you that believes (or simply perceives from memories) that your life would be better if you resumed communication “with someone from…”. But something stops you from doing this. And I think it is understanding. First of all, understanding the fact that your paths diverged (mostly) not even because of you. So there is nothing to turn back, because each person simply went their own way at a certain time. But…
Having your “ears” you hear that these “bells are not one-sided.” And this is where we are caught up in this same story from the series, when you tell the hero “well…well I hope you won’t do this stupid thing?..because I’ll stop respecting you”, only the hero is you.
I know that things that were in the past should stay there. But the healthy half understands this. I think that every person consists of another part besides it – the emotional part, multiplied by the memory part. That is, your subconscious says “but memories and emotions can’t deceive you” – and they really do. They don’t deceive, because there, at 15-17-20 years old, you experienced feelings that were for the first time in your life. Apparently, this is what draws you to them. As for reality – during this time you managed to get burned many times after that, and you can’t throw the opposite experience out of your memory either. This is what stops you.
In one song they sang “we will never be younger than today”. I think this applies to people too – because we will never be the same as we once were. So the emotions will be different every time. And I think the emotions that we can get from new people can be even brighter than those that can happen when communicating with someone old.
It remains to somehow convey all this to your brain.
This is where it all started..
Come on over to your house, maybe move inPaint a picture for your mind, you’ll fit right in.. Read More
Comparison of pain
After certain events, I got used to comparing pain. Read More